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A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death…



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Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said ". .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ...."

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.


George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner.."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Of all of the Stress Management tips I've seen,…………I think this one will work for me!! Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile. 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater. There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER EVERYTHING

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR..
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan ?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin . Why do you ask?"

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had
a Luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could
not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at
piano-bar for rest of day..
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is
charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night..
Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his
way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked!

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

SIPPING VODKA


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.


At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a##.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh#t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a##.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

"That's amazing," says the bartender. "Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and brings it back.

The bartender is totally amazed. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were ... or what we did ...but, we took FIRST and SECOND place!