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Husband Banned from Target


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.



Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.



Dear Mrs. Carter:



Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Carter, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,' Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying, pulling his hair out, and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?!' EMTs were called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the Cookware department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey... there's no toilet paper in here!!' One of the clerks passed out

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so that we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, just listen - a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic, feel free to continue singing
and talking into the phone. A live person will be available to speak with you in 6 short hours.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what you press. No one will answer.

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog

were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a

deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the

beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red

with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he

leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of

the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that,

the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful

evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.. He fought the urges as long as he

could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancyand told her he hadn't had sex for

months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

i got my Halloween costume picked out.
i'll arrive at the party without shoes or a shirt. when anyone asks me 'where's your costume?', i can reply,,
"i just came in my shorts".

Let me see if I understand all this....
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN
BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET
SHOT.

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY
CARD,WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, FREE EDUCATION
AND FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes sense.

Gubmint and How Gubmint Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do
time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and
hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They
created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hire d three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one
Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of
the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY.... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of
an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready?? It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977.
TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2009 -- 32 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

60-plus deodorant
I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk; but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome !

We often used up most of the runway, but never ALL


This really raises the pucker factor...
Listen to the "controllers" in the tower who are Australian: Ya gotta love it.
"The Vodka Burner" as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of runway...


WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO...(shot from the tower)
You can HEAR THE CONVERSATION IN THE TOWER. They are

incredulous that it makes it...
Check out this website:




http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/2008-2-9-Il76-in-Australia.wmv