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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo
theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed
this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there,
I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.

In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....



"The balcony."

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says 'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... ? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark . They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him..
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

Arggggg

Dog Tired!!

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by
the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital.. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ....... Why is he doing that?'



The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

"Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, better health plan."

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Challenged Senior...(sound familiar ??)

I ran a business with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that

played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook

and Twitter. But....

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,

their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate

with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple

as Twitter with only 140 characters of space..

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,

Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and

something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program

within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything

except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready

to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost

every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in

a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed

to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the mall talking

to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have

to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was

the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes,

she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could

be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep

sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make

a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets

and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least

she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in

our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can

lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions

and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I

go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves,

but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never

remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say,

"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with

a blank look.