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IF REAL LIFE WERE JUST LIKE THE MOVIES:

-It is always possible to park directly outside the entrance of any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you pass will join in and know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-Every bag of groceries will contain one French stick.

-All hotel rooms and apartments in Paris have full, unobstructed views of the Eiffel Tower.

-If you are in a restaurant or office that contains a huge plateglass window, someone will get thrown through it.

-All phone numbers in the US have the prefix "555."

-When trying to find something in Yellow Pages, all you ever have to do is open the book and flip one page.

-If you or a family member is ill, the doctor you call will personally answer the telephone and come right away to your house because you asked him/her to do so.

-If there is a bake sale or a dessert table displaying a long line of cream pies, every person in the vicinity will wind up with at least one of them in their face.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television and/or radio news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television/radio on.


-The very person you were talking about at that moment will always bump into you at that moment (or call you, or pay you a visit).


-When you're upset or depressed and go off to some solitary place to brood, a caring friend will always find you no matter what, stating, "I thought I'd find you here."


-There is at least one nun on board every airline flight.

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't
know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but
they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but
all they do is jump up and down in it....with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and
go cruising in their golf carts..

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in
the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked
center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

...PRICELESS

Not a joke but cute. Half time Army Navy B-Ball

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1418565565?bctid=23207933001

Wow! That has to be the most entertaining thing I have seen in a lot of years.

The Power of the Badge

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
" Your badge! Show him your BADGE! "

-When the cops asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him, she said: 5 or a 6. Put me down for a 5



-Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.



-What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.



-Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.



-What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.



-Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

phil micklelson is asking tigers wife for tips on how to beat tiger.

Having a BAD Day

Short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him,
grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the
guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I
didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car was stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left
my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even
harder.

"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
damn poison."

Champion - that's totally off the wall but a lot of fun to watch. Damn near impossible to do, mind.