AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Three leaders went to hell, Dean Barrow (Belize), George Bush (U.S.A.), Gordon Brown (U.K.).

Brown asked the devil if he could make a call to England to see if the country is running ok. He made the call, and he stayed on the call for 5 minutes.

Satan told him that the bill is 5 million dollars.

Bush also asked if he could call his home country, the U.S. to see if all was well. He stayed on the call for 8 minutes and it cost him $8 million dollars.

Barrow then said he wanted to call Belize. He spent 2 HOURS on the call, then asked Satan how much the bill was. Satan replied, "$1 dollar".

He asked, "How come? Afta mi stay longa dan Brown an Bush?"

Satan replied, "You made a local call. Calling within hell is a local call."

Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that congress will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It's hard to get more accurate than that.

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

A dozen or so 40-year-old men who have been friends since high school get together and decide to meet for dinner and talk about old times. They finally agree on a restaurant called Joe's Steakhouse... mostly because the good-looking waitresses wear low cut blouses.

Ten years later, when they are all age 50, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Joe's Steakhouse... because the food is very good and the wine selection is not bad.

Ten years later, at age 60, the group meets and they discuss where they should eat. Finally they settle on Joe's Steakhouse... because it is quiet and smoke free.

Ten years later, at age 70, the group meets and again spends a lot of time deciding where they should eat. Finally they agree to eat at Joe's Steakhouse... because it is wheel chair accessible.

Ten years later, at age 80, the group meets again and once again selects a place to eat. They choose Joe's Steakhouse... because none of them have ever been there before.

The Worlds Shortest Books


THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________
OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi

The Darwin Awards are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his syphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.



*** Remember they walk among us and they breed

champion,
Please add the following to your shortest book list:

MY LIFE AS A COMPASSIONATE MAN
By Rush Lindbaugh

*****************************************************************
HOW I TRULY EARNED MY YALE DEGREE
By George W. Bush

*****************************************************************

I WAS CHOSEN BECAUSE OF MY CREDENTIALS
By Sarah Palin

*****************************************************************

TRIKLE DOWN ECONOMICS DOESN'T BENEFIT THE RICH
By Ronald Reagan
*****************************************************************

I AM NOT RUSH LIMBAUGHS BOY TOY
By Glenn Beck

*****************************************************************
101 THINGS TO DO AT AN AIRPORT BATHROOM
By Larry Craig

*****************************************************************
NO, I AM NOT A STUPID SCARY BIGGOTED REDNECK THAT LOOKS LIKE CURLY FROM THE THREE STOOGES

By Dick "Shotgun" Chaney
*****************************************************************

Didn't know there were that many more out there.

> > Subject:
> > New Plan to be Implemented by our Government . . . .
> > .
> >
> > Due to the
> >
> > current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
> > economy, Congress has
> >
> > decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of
> > age and above on
> >
> > early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing
> > unemployment.
> >
> >
> >
> > This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People
> > Early).
> >
> >
> >
> > Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be
> > considered for the
> >
> > SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
> >
> >
> >
> > Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
> > under the SCREW
> >
> > program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
> >
> >
> >
> > A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
> > many times as Congress
> >
> > deems appropriate.
> >
> >
> >
> > Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
> > Income for Dependants
> >
> > & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
> > Personnel Early Severance).
> >
> >
> >
> > Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
> > SHAFTED or SCREWED any
> >
> > further by Congress.
> >
> >
> >
> > Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive
> > as much SHIT (Special
> >
> > High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always
> > prided themselves on
> >
> > the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
> >
> >
> >
> > Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please
> > bring this to the
> >
> > attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give
> > you all the SHIT
> >
> > you can handle.
> >
> >
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> >
> > The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives
> > (E.V.I.L.)
> >
> >
> >
> > PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
> > electricity, gas and
> >
> > oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the
> > End of the Tunnel
> >
> > has been turned off.