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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He tells the bartender, "I have a talking dog here."
Of course the bartender doesn't believe him, but the man isists, "No really, this dog can talk."
"Prove it", replies the bartender.
The guy says, "I will bet you a beer my dog can talk."
"You're on" says the bartender.
So the guy looks at his dog and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog quickly and loudly utters, "Rough" "Rough" "Rough"
The bartender is not amused and says, "Fine you got me this tme but don't try that crap again."
But the guy assures him, "No, really I swear this dog can talk."
"Let me show you, how about you bet me one more beer?"
The bartender reluctantly agrees.
"Ok dog, what is on top of a house?" "Roof" "Roof" "Roof" shouts the dog.
Well by now the bartender is pissed. "Get out of my bar, I am not playing your fool again."
The guy won't quit however, "Let me have one more chance to prove to you this dog can talk" The bartender says "Ok" but if you pull a fast one on me this time I am throwing you out." So they bet another beer.
The guy looks at his dog and asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Quickly the dog shouts "Ruth" Ruth" "Ruth!"
Well that's it for the bartender he grabs the man and his dog and violently throws them out on to the street, they tumble for about twenty feet and finally end up looking at each other, the dog then shrugs his shoulders and asks "What DiMaggio?"

Bing i think i know you did you run a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas?

No, but I was board in school.

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas,

asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly

clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together,

a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"


THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."


"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.


"WE CAN'T ALLOW CHUCK IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.


THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER

UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE:



Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain their old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'



The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

The moral of the story is: BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

At a recent lunch a friend started a conversation concerning driving in Belize. It peaked my interest so I have done some research and have been able to come up with a set of Official instructions that should help us get around the country in a more timely and safe condition.

First, these instructions apply to those holders of valid driving licenses, both female and male, as well as those with invalid ones.

l. The main road around the country is also an axillary parking lot. Feel free to stop, chill out with friends, drink a diet coke, fix your makeup etc.

2. The white line on the road is for your convenience in positioning your car directly in the middle of it.

3. Forget the stop signs as they will ultimately cause you to be rear-ended.

4. Do not worry about buckling up, the theory that they save lives is really a myth like the holocaust.

5. At the intersection remember that the car with loudest exhaust has the right away.

6. Reconstruction of pot holes on all roads in Belize is a permanent fixture. Avoid them where ever possible.

7. If some one has their turn signal on it was probably done by accident. Don't worry about these signals as the driver behind you can always read your mind.

8. For the men, don't gawk at the lovely ladies on your route as it will no doubt result in an accident.

9. Should you have an accident leave the scene as quickly as possible as it not worth waiting for six hours before the police arrive.

10. While the speed limit is 40 miles per hour in most areas driving less than 70 you will be considered a road hazard.

11. When pulling out of a spot onto the road it is not necessary to see if another car is coming. It's up to the other driver to look out for you.

12. When pulling around a slow moving vehicle it is not necessary to see if a car is coming from the other direction. It is up to the other driver to look out for

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Palindrome



A palindrome (Greek word) reads the same backwards as forward.
This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite. This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen... forward and backward.
This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP.
This video won second place. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant. Take a minute and watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA>