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Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering
>things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
>they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
>Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want
>anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
>'Sure..'
>'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
>'No, I can remember it.'
>'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
>so not to forget it?'
>He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
>'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
>she asks.
>Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream
>with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
>Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns
>from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the
>plate for a moment.
>'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
>'So I hear you're getting married?'
>'Yep!'
>'Do I know her?'
>'Nope!'
>'This woman, is she good looking?'
>'Not really.'
>'Is she a good cook?'
>'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
>'Does she have lots of money?'
>'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
>'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
>'I don't know.'
>'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
>First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
>Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor
>to get a physical.
>A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
>young woman on his arm.
>A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing
>great, aren't you?'
>Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
>The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I
>said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
>parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
>breath, he ordered a banana split.
>The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
>'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

British Al Qaeda on Strike………

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreementThe unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Jail vs. Nursing Home''


Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies,

and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental

and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive
money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be

helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would
be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals

and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built
for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room,

spiritual counselling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free,
on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards

would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.



The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.

lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month
and have no hope of ever getting out.

The Lone Ranger


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goat."

Update on Cinderella



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she sits on the front porch in her rocking chair, watching the world go by,with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.Cinderella exclaimed 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doinghere after all these years'?

The Fairy Godmother replied 'Cinderella, since I last saw you,you have lived an exemplary life. Is there anything your heartstill yearns for?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and, after somethoughtful consideration, she voiced her first wish.

'The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques and so I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.


Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was amazed 'Ooh thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least that I can do. You have two further wishes, what else would you wish for ?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and replied 'I wish I were young and beautiful as I once was.'


Immediately, her wish became reality and her beautiful,young former self returned. Cinderella felt stirrings insideher that had been dormant for years.

The Fairy Godmother then spoke again 'You have onefinal wish, what will that be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man'.

Magically, Bob underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he had become a gorgeously handsome man - the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The Fairy Godmother said 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a shock of electric blue light, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever set eyes on.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who was sitting transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young and muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered ....

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'