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Everyone concentrates on the obvious problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, Gulf oil spill, Afghanistan, Terrorists . . . .

Not me. I think about these instead:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas deferens are easier for the surgeon to locate and sever. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

I drink alcohol to drown my problems…

unfortunately my problems are damn good swimmers!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND: "sh!t."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable….. ;-)

A man who plays the bagpipes has a lot of opportunity for gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the backwoods of BC. (that's redundant-I know).
As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he has never played before for this homeless man. And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our country club last night-by 1 point.

I not only got the last question wrong, but they asked me to leave immediately.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji.

This is for only those whose level of maturity that qualifies them to relate to it the differences from 1977 to 2007...

1977: Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair

1977: KEG
2007: EKG

1977 : Acid rock
2007 : Acid reflux

1977 : Moving to California because it's cool
2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

1977 : Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage


1977 : Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones


1977 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system


1977 : Disco
2007: Costco


1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved

1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever
2007: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering! machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

Well, thanks for making me feel really old. Think I'll skip my birthday next week!!