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Always wondered why I don't trust nurses.

Now I know.



A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it..

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... that's just great....

Some a##hole's got my pen!"

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

I like it !!!!

Sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger,French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

'THE TEETH.'

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"

He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

Smart kid !

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'*



*

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'*

*

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'*

*

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'*

*

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.*

*

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. *

*

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. *

*

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making
loud noises and moaning and screaming. *

*

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. *

*

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know. *

*

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. *

*

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?' *

*

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'*

Don't mess with old folks !!!

Young Billy was sitting on the side walk with a small bottle of sulphuric acid, pouring drops on the ants as they crawled past.

A priest passing by saw this, and approached the lad.

"Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?" he asked politely.

"I'm burning the ants with the acid," the boy replied.

Thinking that a bottle of acid was dangerous for a small boy to play with, the priest thought of how he could persuade the boy to part with it.

"Listen Son, I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead," said the priest.

"No way Father!" said the boy, "I'd rather have this bottle."

"But mine is special holy water," replied the priest.

"Well, what's so special about it?" enquired the boy.

"Ah," said the priest, "I once put a drop of this on a lady's belly and she passed a child."

"That's nothing!" exclaimed little Billy, "I once put a drop of this on a dog's gonads, and he passed a Kawasaki!!!"

A tourist wandered into a dimly-lit old San Fransisco antiques shop, down in china town. Perusing the shelves, he discovered an amazingly life-sized and life-like bronze sculpture of a rat. He had to have it and asked the shopkeeper how much it cost.

"$12 for the rat," said the shopkeeper, "and $500 more for the fascinating story behind it."

"Old man, you can keep the story," the tourist replied, "but I'll take the rat."

As he left the store with the bronze rat, two live rats emerged from the sewer and started following him. The tourist looked over his shoulder and began walking faster, but more and more rats started following him. As people pointed and shouted the tourist started to seriously panic...

Walking faster and faster he soon began to run as the rats appeared from old abandoned cars, basements and sewers. He ran as fast as he could to the waterfront as millions of squealing rats kept up with him. With his last bastion of strength he scrambled up a lampost and with all his might
hurled the bronze rat far out into the bay, whereupon the squealing rats surged over the breakwater into the sea and drowned.

Gathering himself together, he trundled back to the shop, "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," said the shop owner with a wise grin.

"No," replied the tourist,

"But I was wondering whether you carried bronze lawyers?"