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How does the Pope make Holy Water?
He boils the Hell out of it!

Advice to an Old Guy...

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

Smart arse

Two Indians and I
were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians
ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.


"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.


I was puzzled
and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about.
"Was that Indian crazy or what?"


The Indian replied
"No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman
in there waiting for us."


Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


I wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As I looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, I was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
I stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all my might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"


Like the others, I then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in my eye and a smile on my face,
I raced into the cave,
tearing off my clothes as I ran.


The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read ......





NAKED NEWFOUNDLANDER RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!!!!!

Why She Changed motels

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in
Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Toby - a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh
my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she
rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now
how does that sound?"



He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you
need to press 9 for an outside line."

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breath and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?", answered the Instructor.



"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??"


This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims..
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"

I saw a sign on a car, it said "Ignatieff, Duceppe, Bin Laden, all gone, was May great this year or what" ?