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Ernie, your wisdom never ceases to amaze me!

I could PM , But I myself have posted risky funny to me.
The Cork BJ one , plus one got pulled.
This Is a joke thread for adults.
No is NO. I wouldn't make a vegan / Vegy eat pork. Some Jokes ARE a bit out of line.
Thanks HON for saying what are your feelings.As with the JK that i posted got pulled.

Back to all having fun here , PLZ

Casper !!!

PS, We all live here : 3RD_Rock

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well
taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on
his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This
continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who
the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that
almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to
his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3.
He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Emergency Repair Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why? "Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle…

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by President Obama -

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

The wedding
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her
mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your
special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.


When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't
have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE
the wedding.''

Shampoo prank

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight
testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you
don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its
head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman
and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors
would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they
would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the
water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go
down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. ( Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and
married my mom. (James, age 7)

This is too funny. Must borrow it.

How appropriate that you posted this today...on World Oceans Day.

Thanks.