Dear Boss, I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this. Sincerely, Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.
a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
So when the Termeno shooter hit the crossbar, sending the ball skyward, the Dro goalkeeper naturally began to celebrate what he thought to be a miss.
Only, the bouncing ball had other ideas.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No crap, really? Ya think? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far!
----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! ---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! -----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! *******************************************
And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right? ************************************************** *
a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
Two rednecks are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...
a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
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