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"Life should Not be a journey to the grave with the intension of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming~WOO HOO WHAT A RIDE!

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Now THAT'S Dry!

My wife told me that her fantasy would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Sally from next door wasn't a good answer!!!

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening
chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast..


However, John noticed a film like substance
on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers..

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon,
John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the
football game he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

The guys may wear the pants in the relationship...but the ladies CONTROL the ZIPPER :-)

Young boy sat in class scratching his crotch. Teacher asked him what's wrong. Embarrassed, he said he'd just been circumcised and was itchy. Teacher told him to go and ring his mum for some advice. He comes back with his cock hanging out. Teacher ask's "what on earth are you doing?" "Well miss, mum said if i could stick it out till lunch she'd come and get me."

One summer, the company that Charlies worked for transferred him to another city.

Charlie was told he had to have a new physical exam with the company doctor to continue to be employed.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Charlie had the smallest penis he'd ever seen.

"Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all," Charlie said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

"Nights are no problem," Charlie said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"

Two nuns are riding their bikes through town and are forced to take a detour.

One nun says to other, "I've never come this way before"

The other answers, "It's the cobblestones."

New Wine for the 50+

I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors


Canadian vintners in the Niagara Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people will have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE







I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'