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found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day!!!

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

The CEO hired a new secretary. One day she noticed his fly was open. She courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He didn't understand her remark, but later saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, when you saw my barracks door open this morning did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags".

Signs that things aren't going so well:
1) You got mad at your girlfriend, so you deflated her.
3) The only date you've had is a fruit.
5) Your marriage counselor just got divorced.
4) Snooki is under the category "people who inspire you" on Facebook.
19) A gay man falls in love with you. He doesn't realize you're a woman.
1)You have chocolate stains on your work-out clothes.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I
was at the playground today and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane ..." At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Let's save the rest of it for supper time. I really want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."


At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story again.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Mommy fainted.

I don't need anger management classes. You need STFU classes!!!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer!!!!!

I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

Mt Rushmore from the Canadian side!