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A Republican-to-English Dictionary:

America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
Condescending: Accurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
Democrat: A political party.
Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
Elitist: Qualified.
Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.
Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
News: Fox News
Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
Yes: (no translation available)

Funny. My bet is that it was originally written by a democratic lawyer. That makes it even funnier.

Good dictionary jhill123, it should be in all private/parochial schools.

An old quote. "The fervor with which you pursue your beliefs has nothing to do with their validity" Keep on drinking that kool-aid, guys. You two together are a lot funnier than those flat-earth guys.

Well I guess that's a start but my real goal is to be funnier than Rush Limbaugh.

Some Halloween Humor!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The Agony of getting old



After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend Frank.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back."

Good clip about golfisms.

http://www.golfquotesmovie.com/

At the start of the week you have M,T and then W,T,F

I am a bit confused. It seems (according to the news) that one of the occupy wall street protesters has had her 5K laptop nipped. Various items are being stolen, and the homeless are eating all THEIR food. Isn't this whole thing about wealth and asset redistribution? Isn't that what is happening? I am really confused.

I also find it a bit funny.