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A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop.

The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

This will keep you busy for a while, trying to outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. . . . . . and there's nothing you can do about it!

Boudreaux was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Boudreaux took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you dis money, will you buy some beer wit it instead?"

"No,I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble 'stead of buyin' food?" Boudreaux continued.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend dis money on fish bait 'stead of food?"

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"

"Well," said a smiling Boudreaux, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home fuh a terrific dinner cooked by ma' wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

Boudreaux replied, "Hey, man, dat's okay! I juss want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gamblin', and fishin'

Good one!!!

Immediately following the Super Bowl, George W Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice."Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"

Worst bad-joke of the day - Kim Kardashian?

Why can't penguins fly?


Their legs are to short to reach the rudder pedals.

uh................duh.....................no! Planet 9 from Mars

rykat, very complicated. It has nothing to do with the Jimmy Carter peanut subsidies, unless you factor in a little known excerpt from a Reagan early movie, and tie in to the political aspirations of certain inmates in an asylum. Put them all together and it becomes perfectly clear.