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Oh What a Knight!


There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BOOOO !

Whilst strolling along the white cliffs of Dover this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Beer and Ice Cream Diet
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamiclaw, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

You've really done it this time !

Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This wasn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues, but there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.

On a recent hunting forum the question came up... "What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?"


The answer was...
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short! I've found over the years when hiking (hunting) I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something
happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Ontario . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD!
We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my little Jetfire I am sure I would not be here today.


That's right... one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.


That little Jetfire is one of the best pistols in my safe!

I received this today - please forgive the rough language, it's part of the story.

*******


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY
OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T
LOOK THAT OLD. WELL....
YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND
I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS
DDS DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A
TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY
THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH
ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER,
I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED
MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE
EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A
MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I
ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975.
WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I
EXCLAIMED.


HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'