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A gas station owner in Toms River NJ was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Guido pulls in, fills his tank and asks for the free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get the free sex. Guido guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Guido comes back , along with his buddy Tony for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. Guido guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close again, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Guido says to his buddy, 'I thinka da game is rigged
and he don't really give da free sex.' Tony replied, ' No it ain't, It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer from 12 different countries. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?" And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

HAHAHAHA! I know that routine too well

I thought that was bio written about me!

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as... NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________


Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2,
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications
work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend you try Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them?
Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the $hit inside!"

I can't decide if this better fits Ernie or Clover, but I know I need to post it before someone dedicates it to me!

If two people having sex is a twosome, three people having sex is a threesome and four people having sex is a foursome...



I think I know why they call you handsome

I used to be a Davy Jones fan back in the Monkeys days...

But now I'm a bereaver....

Year 2059
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United State's crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other
country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in
Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States ..

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532
Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060..

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

As there are no leap years on the Mayan Calendar.....

Shouldn't the world have ended about 7 months ago?

Just sayin.......