AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

You are the joke.

I think a Hoax would be a more accurate description, but living with it sucks either way...

You tell me!

lets keep the personal and political out of the smiles thread please....

Marty, politics are a joke

Luv ya man ! (anyone think that will work) ?

not a chance in hades......known quantity

Now...Now...Smile everybody!!!!!

Dear Abby:

I keep receiving racist e-mails from my "Uncle Fred". Before 2008, Uncle Fred had no idea what the national debt was. Now, he's an expert about the GDP, international currencies and growing watermelons at the White House.

My e-mail address was on a cc list that contained dozens of names inside and outside my family. What is the etiquette for telling Uncle Fred to exclude me from future distributions? Would a simple handwritten note do? Or can I beat them to death with a Bible?

Sincerely,
About to Go Postal

______________

Dear Postal:

For most people, the Internet has caused a Darwinian improvement in our brains' Bullshit Detection Zone. However, older relatives have resisted this evolution. They will believe anything that is put into writing. Now you know why grandma gave your inheritance to a Nigerian diplomat! Have pity. Those racist e-mails are just a call for help. Uncle Fred needs you now, more than ever. Instead of being angry, ask Uncle Fred to gather the following information: (a) the source/author of the original e-mail, (b) the evidence for the claims being made in the e-mail, and (c) whether the evidence supports the claims. This may shock Uncle Fred into a mental state called "Critical Thinking".

Sincerely,
Abby

P.S. If that doesn't work, leave some flaming dog poop on his welcome mat, ring the bell and run.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are

you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are

you two whales from Scotland ?"

Then the lights went out....

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?