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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
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Dang, you got me! There is where I got #14!!!! 
"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,448
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A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your husband's name is Crisco?'
The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'
'Lard ass.'
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
"YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER"!
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
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"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes.
As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.As
the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW ............
Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 7,062 Likes: 1
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OP
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FromThe Environment Department has issued a travel warning due to the snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Torch with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Petrol can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked a complete bloody idiot on the bus this morning!
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 993
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.As
the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW ............
Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Goes to show you how smart donkeys are. I am absolutly sure an elephant wouldn't have figured this out.
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 431
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron".
The other one says, "Are you sure?".
"I'm positive".
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