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I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Forgot my glasses!

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did that and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 77 years old and you're going
To start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to Me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for Five jumps a week.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Elbert - I think you and I are both too old to qualify.

Good one, elbert!!!
Does it come in a geriatric formulation?

A horse, the Pope and Tim Minchin walk into a bar.......

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.