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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool."
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our wedding video."

PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD

I never knew one word in English language
that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep. UP

This
two-letter word in English has more
meanings than any other two-letter word, and that
word is UP.' It is listed in
the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at
the top
of the list, but when we awaken in the morning,
why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we
speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if
there is a tie, it is a toss UP)
and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report? We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be
dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be opened UP because it is blocked
UP.

We open UP a store in the
morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty
mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper
uses of UP, look UP the
word UP in the dictionary. In a
desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can
add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many
ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your
time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it
is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say
it is
clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain
for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on
and on,
but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . My time
is UP!


Oh . . . One
more thing: What is
the first thing you do in the morning and the last
thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one
crack you UP?

Now I'll shut UP!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doc tor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (this is so ba d, it's good. . ) A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

I LAUGHED! Thanks, I needed that - especially #7.

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk, seeing
from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $25,000
loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks
his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that she will need to secure the
loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"
and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll
have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a
back office.

She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $25,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny
pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and
says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give
the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thanks Champ
This is one of my all time favorites and I told it just two days ago.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing," I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 77 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.


She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

More Canadian Tolerance


Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq of Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop , "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered ."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on .

And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!!

Or you're not a bigot.