AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

There is something about Hillary jokes that my Dark Passenger likes.

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with
to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair,
I've got a headache, I'm your sister-in-law."

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"


Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.


Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.


Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?""

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a
large sum of money if she would return to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey" she said, "you received a very strange post card today"

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later", he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

Good one Birdland!

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford.



"The material we put in our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dyes. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But , there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.



Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"



After several seconds of quiet, a 80 year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask
'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

She had me @ 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

A newly married couple is getting ready for bed on their wedding night after saving themselves for the big occasion.
The wife is waiting in bed and the husband is beginning to undress.

"Dearest wife, when I was young, I was inflicted with several diseases that left me slightly impaired". As he takes off his pants, he points out his badly disfigured knees. When I was 7, I had a case of the "kneesles".

He continues undressing, this time taking off his socks. "Dearest wife, when I was 9, I had a case of "Toeleo", that left my toes horribly disfigured".

As he begins to remove his underwear, his wife says, "Don't tell me, when you were 13, you had a case of "Smallcoxs"?