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Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.
"Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.
"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!!

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says,

"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's just lying there. I think she's dead."

Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.
I think he may be dead, too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected
changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers
7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support

LMAO @ Zeke!! I do believe we have just recognized Zeke's calling in life!!! You're too funny!

margarita - my husband is a computer tech, this really hits home!! zeke, i love you. wish i could tell a joke!

Q) what u call an spanish man with his car nicked (stolen)
A) Carlos

ya'll like chickens

> Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
> >>
> >> PAT BUCHANAN
> >> to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
> >>
> >> JERRY FALWELL
> >> Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
> >> Can't you people see the plain truth in front of
> >> your face? The chicken was going to the "other
> >> side." That's what "they" call it the "other side.
> >> "Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you
> >> eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
> >> boycott all chickens until we sort out this
> >> abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
> >> seemingly
> >> harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken
> >> should not be
> >> free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as
> >> that.
> >>
> >> DR. SEUSS
> >> Did the chicken cross the road?
> >> Did he cross it with a toad?
> >> Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
> >> but why it crossed, I've not been told!
> >>
> >> ERNEST HEMINGWAY
> >> To die. In the rain.
> >>
> >> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
> >> I envision a world where all chickens will be free
> >> to
> >> cross roads without having their motives called into
> >> question.
> >>
> >> GRANDPA
> >> In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
> >> road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the
> >> road, and that was good enough for us.
> >>
> >> ARISTOTLE
> >> It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> >>
> >> KARL MARX
> >> It was a historical inevitability.
> >>
> >> SADDAM HUSSAIN
> >> This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
> >> quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
> >> it.
> >>
> >> RONALD REAGAN
> >> What chicken?
> >>
> >>
> >> CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
> >> To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> >>
> >> FOX MULDER
> >> You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
> >> many more chickens have to cross before you believe
> >> it?
> >>
> >> FREUD
> >> The fact that you are at all concerned that the
> >> chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying
> >> sexual insecurity.
> >>
> >> BILL GATES
> >> I have just released eChicken 99, which will not
> >> only
> >> cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
> >> documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet
> >> Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
> >>
> >> EINSTEIN
> >> Did the chicken really cross the road or
> >> did the road move beneath the chicken?
> >>
> >> BILL CLINTON
> >> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do
> >> you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken
> >> please?
> >>
> >> GEORGE W. BUSH
> >> I don't think I should have to answer that question.
> >>
> >> LOUIS FARRAKHAN
> >> The road, you will see, represents the black man.
> >> The
> >> chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample
> >> him and keep him down.
> >>
> >> THE BIBLE
> >> And God came down from the heavens, and He said
> >> unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And
> >> the
> >> chicken crossed the road,and there was much
> >> rejoicing.
> >>
> >> COLONEL SANDERS
> >> I missed one?

To Americans Everywhere
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between
a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995, released by the Chief of
Naval Operations.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.


Canadians: Impossible, recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.


Canadians: No, I say again, you must divert YOUR course.


Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT IS ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH,OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call....

***************************************

I laughed until I cried. Thanks for brightening my day. I'll be back with a good one or two when i have more time.