AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area mQQse's joke room...LIGHTEN OUP...post a joke

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

TOP STORIES FOR THE YEAR 2035

1. Fidel Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

A little woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, says, "Hello,
darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the
patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is
getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's
had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood
work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off
the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues
this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic,
darling!... That's wonderful news!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen tells me shit!"

MR

Why does MR get to say S$%& on camera and I get censored for calling MQQSE an A^^&OLE?
Hmm
Sounds like we got the captains back.

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.

The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?"

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir", said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, wtih a name like yours, said the agent.

Sir?

Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. that is not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I would love to represent you, but you will have to change your name.

Sir, the man protested. The Van Lesbian name was my fathers, my grandfathers and his father's name. We have carried the name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.

If you will not change your name, I cannot represent you, replied the agent.

Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change.

With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent's office, never to return.

FIVE YEARS LATER:

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. . .

He opened the envelope and removed the letter. AS he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk.
The check was for $50,000.00! He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become and actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying Penis Van Lesbian had been carried in my family for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and changed my name.

Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept the enclosed check with my humble thanks.

Very Sincerely yours,

DICK VAN DYKE

Supporting the Family

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being
interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you
are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked
the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I am."

"Well," said Maureen's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."

PierL said: Why does MR get to say S$%& on camera and I get censored for calling MQQSE an A^^&OLE?

Hey, I know Jack Shit....his wife...fulla shit...and some of his kids...dumb shit, little shit and shit for brains....that's why. hahahhaha

MR

HAHAHAH

EX-CELLENT

IT'S WHO YU KNOW IN THIS WORL.....AND A LEE BITTAH WHO YU BLOW

A Real Ball Buster
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Thanks Marty.

Teenah