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Passed on to me by a friend:

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT--

Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

Antonio, Texas(Rooters)

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way,
and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second
qarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every
time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of
Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day.
Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in
the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been
distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You
Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative
before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support
for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty
adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to
effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued,
effective immediately.

DIARY OF A JAMAICAN WHO JUST MOVED TO SOUTH DAKOTA, USA


October 8th
We have arrived in America!!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in
our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT
weather? This is perfect... not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some
sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving America!!! This is
what life's about.

October 30th
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut,
so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like
Jamaica in this house.

November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way... we cannot wait!!! We have
never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first
time.

November 14th
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we
have ever seen. The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window
watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the
ground.
Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL
SIGHT!!!

November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I
did
both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and
accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the
street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again.
Americans are so friendly!

November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature
has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we
can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the
trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our
driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his
trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became
ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my
"batty" in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected

November 20th
Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to
work.

November 21st
On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did
considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white
snow
last night. The vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. Di damn snowplow man do him job again. Watch me an'
him!

November 22nd
Blouse and skirt... the first heating bill just come! A how the hell
it come to so much???

November 30th
A two frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way.
Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most
of the night. Wi try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and
kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the rassclath
house. Mi manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns
pan
mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den de car slide on the
white snow (again!) on the way to the hospital and wi haffi write it off.

December 5th
Rahtid... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keeps coming down!
Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn
mailbox. If I ever catch the bastard wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I
gwine
mek him mumma feel it. Me really think sey 'im hide round di corner and
wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up
wi driveway again. Wicked nuh blow wow!!!

December 10th
The power still off. The toilette freeze up some part a di roof look
lik it out fi cave in.

December 15th
Eleven more bomboclaath inches a snow an' ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah know...
dis no right. I wounded the snowplow wid di pick ax, but the driva get
weh.

December 16th
The wife took off and left me.

December 18th
The bloody car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel
mi toe dem and mi nuh see the booldclaath sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha?
The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!!!!!! Good frig him. The
wind chill is 30 *****claath degrees below zero!!

December 22nd
Me a move back to Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!!
If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas
dung a yard. 'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!!!

Subject: IRS Genie
A man has spent many days crossing the

desert without water. His
camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands,
certain that he has breathed his last, when
all of a sudden he sees
an object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him. He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a
genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge
and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in
his pocket.
He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how
it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man.
"I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose?
You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the
genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a
lush oasis with plentiful
food and drink."
**POOF*** The man finds himself in the most
beautiful oasis
he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with
jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond
my wildest dreams."
**POOF*** The man finds himself
surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man
says: "I wish that no
matter where I go beautiful women will want
and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.

FYI the CEO story is from satirewire...
http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/ceonistas.shtml

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a 30 year old flasher approached from across the park. The flasher ran up to the women, stood right in front of them, and opened his trenchcoat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. But the third lady, being more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

CC

HEY! How 'bout the new "Blue" Pepsi! Now y'all really won't know will ya? "Is it Pepsi or is it the REAL THING?" There ARE a few of you out there who will know what I'm talking about. Bombs away.

Bombs away is right. Dirty Jokes 101:

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between purple and pink?

A: The grip.

Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why do women call it PMS?

A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q: What do Tupperware and walrus have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What is a Yankee?

A: Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Big Hello to Choochoo, I KNOW, bombs away.

One Liners---

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s***head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload f hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?

21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles ! <now this is my luck lmao>

22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Today's word from the New Orleans Public Schools: OMELET

Let's use it in a sentence ......

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus dun, but omelet dis one slide."