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Three jokes in one post!

Number 1!

> >Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that is a wife for you, the children will remember." The
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
> > >
> >


Number 2!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Number 3:

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC
sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to
take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

How do you make a hankie dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.

The WC...


An English lady was coming to America for a visit. When she found she would not have a private bathroom she wrote the motel manager asking where the WC was located. In England a bathroom is a wash closet, hence WC. Not knowing what she meant, the motel manager contacted the local Chamber of Commerce. They didn't know either, but thought it might be a wayside chapel. The manager wrote:

Dear Madam:

I take great pleasure in informing you that a WC is situated nine miles from the motel in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds.

It is capable of holding 22 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As a great number of people come during the summer months, I would suggest that your ladyship come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be interested to know that a great number of people bring their lunches and make a day of it, while there are others who can arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sound can be heard everywhere.

Unfortunately my wife is very delicate and cannot attend regularly. It is almost a month since she last went. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

People here have never seen an English lady, and I am sure you will be the center of attention. I will attempt to get you the best seat in the house, a place where you can be seen by all.

Respectfully,

Not a joke, but a humorous story. Last month my wife and I took our grandson down to Florida for a week (we were between the storms). My son-in-law had rented us a house, but at the last moment was unable to accompany us because of a medical emergency. The house was rented from the owner, an English couple, and came with instructions on how to get to the house, obviously written for other UK folk, complete with references such as "take a left across the double motor carriageway". Amusing to us Americans. The most amusing reference was in the book of instructions for the house. There was a reference to the plumbing that caught my eye. "American toilets are different than European toilets. Please do not put food scraps or garbage down the toilet". Do they do that?

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over again, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, " 'Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?" :p

This is probably the only thread working that shouldn't be left to die.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other on an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently again. The man was becoming a bit curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently for several seconds. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose every time, and then you shudder violently. Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a rare condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarassed, but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What do you take for it?"

"Pepper," she replied.

That Jokes reminds me of an news article I read a while back:

link to article

--SNIP--

"The Winston-Salem, N.C.-based anesthesiologist and pain specialist discovered - quite by accident - that a device which he used to treat chronic back pain may also produce orgasms in patients. He has just patented this unexpected use of the device and is trying persuade the product manufacturer to market the device to help women who have trouble reaching orgasm."

--SNIP--