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Nursing Home

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her there, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and seat her by a window overlooking a flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once again bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

Are you aware of the discovery
in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeballs to the anus?

It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people
a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe me,
pull a hair from your butt
and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a river one of them look a bit lost.

The lost blonde waves to the other blonde and yells out, "Hey, how do you get to the otherside?"

The other blonde yells back, "What do mean? You are already on the otherside!"

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

A blonde goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants
a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of
pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of
curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman
asks, "What size do you need?"

She says, "15 inch."

He asks, "15 inches? What room are they for?"

She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman says, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."

The blond says, "Helllooooo... I've got Windows!!"

Subject: man of the house



The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? - His wife replied, "The f-ing funeral director."

Doctor Denny, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient Ernie, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
Patient Ernie is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs Doctor Denny, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
:p

LOL Glad I was the Dr.

John Kerry and his father were having a father son talk shortly before the election. His father proudly says, John, now that your running for president and all that youve accomplished,have you ever had a fear that you couldnt conquer, John says , dad, when I was in basic training, I had to participate in paratroper exersizes, well,when it was my turn to jump out of the plane, I froze, my commanding officer screams, John Kerry, if you dont jump out of this plane right now, Im going to bend your ass over and have my way with you, Johns dad said, well damn John, did you jump? John replied, a little bit,at first.