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Golf Game



A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive
> course lined with million
> dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband
> cautioned, "Honey, be careful
> when you drive. If we break one of those windows
> it'll cost us a fortune to
> repair".
>
> Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it
> right through the window of
> the biggest house on the course. The husband
> cringed,"I warned you to watch
> out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and
> see how much that lousy
> drive is going to cost us."
>
> They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm
> voice said, "Come on in."
> When they opened the door they saw glass all over
> the place and a broken
> antique bottle lying on its side near the broken
> window. A man reclining on
> the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the
> window?" "Uh yeah, we're
> sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no
> apology is necessary.
> Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie,
> and I've been trapped in
> that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
> released me, I'm allowed
> to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
> and I'll keep the last
> one for myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
> moment and blurted out,
> "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of
> my life." "No problem",
> said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can
> do."
>
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the
> genie asked. "I'd like to
> own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
> country in the world"
> she said. "Consider it done." the genie said.
>
> "And now," the couple both asked in unison,"what's
> your wish, genie?" "Well,
> since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
> been with a woman in a
> thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
> wife." The husband looked
> at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
> now have a fortune, and
> all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it
> over for a few moments
> and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all
> that, I guess I wouldn't
> mind."
>
> The genie and the woman went upstairs where he
> ravished her for the rest of
> the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly,
> and afterwards, the
> genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked,
> "How old are you and
> your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded
> breathlessly.
>
> "No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you
> still believe in genies?"

Too cool. HAHAHA

Keep reading until the end....

>

>

>

> One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried

> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

> Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be

> covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

>

> He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all

> grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

> donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to

> everyone's amazement he quieted down.

>

> A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He

> was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

> back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and

> take a step up.

>

> As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the

> animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone

> was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and

> happily trotted off!

>

> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to

> getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

> our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells

> just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

>

> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

>

> 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

>

> 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

>

> 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

>

> 4. Give more.

>

> 5. Expect less

>

> NOW --------

>

> Enough of that crap . . .

>

> The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had

> tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer

> eventually died in agony from septic shock.

>

> MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

>

> When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes

> back to bite you.

That was great! Thanks...

Subject: New Virus


Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for =
viruses of mass destruction.=20

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk =
and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.=20

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with =
NO memory=20

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting =
and re-counting=20

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old =
floppy=20

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your =
computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did=20

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, =
leaves, but will be back=20

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes=20

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to =
100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB=20

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted=20

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your =
processor doesn't care=20

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files=20

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a =
3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows=20

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfODSPIYwpQ

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns In Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment And answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf Nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf Nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere In the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Forrest Gump goes to heaven

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was!"

St Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one; which two days in the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"?

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod. I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."

"Hold it "interrupts St Peter."I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. But I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song; "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning, and when
I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on
me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with
his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do???

Signed,
Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a
United States Senator from New York, act like it.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
>>roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure
>>enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
>>calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll
>>be over in 30 minutes.
>>
>>The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
>>baseball bat, a shotgun and a
>>mean old pit bull.
>>
>>"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
>>
>>"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
>>then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear
>>off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
>>falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
>>and not let go. The bear will then be subdued
>>enough for me to put him in the cage in the back
>>of the van."
>>
>>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>>
>>"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>>
>>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

I'm in trouble now: Seashell probably speaks for the animal rights group too!