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Cold Weather behavior:
60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. North Dakotans are planting gardens.
50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Devils Lake,ND.
40 above zero: Import cars won't start. North Dakotans drive with the sunroof open.
32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Devils Lake gets a little thicker.
20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas, wool hats & mittens. North Dakotans throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in North Dakota have one last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero: People in Miami all die. North Dakotans close the windows.
10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. North Dakotans dig their winter coats out of storage.
25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in North Dakota still selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in North Dakota let their dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. North Dakotans get upset because the Mini-van won't start.
460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in North Dakota can be heard to say, "Cold 'nuff ferya?"

It's so cold that Al Gore returned his Nobel prize.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in
fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'; that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber.. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

Oil Change instructions for Women:




1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00




Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!

Now thats just mean

Wicked and mean are different Ernie!

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps
she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the "window" through which we look.

NASCAR NEWS
Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew. This announcement followed
Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to
employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about
by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were
able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8
seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was
thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more
than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only
was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme,
altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Kasey Kahne for 10 cases of
Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the
shower.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'