originally submitted for your viewing pleasure by Chikan.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this storey chronicled in a Life time movie in the near future.
Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. [Note: keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled] I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd aniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-then-lethal-stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage, while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived , with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250lb tatooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil necked geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you are truly missing out, way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions [we don't need no stinking directions}, I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing ! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface I would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.I did so awesome!!! sparks, a blue light of electricity, and a loud pop!! Yippeee, I'm so easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was at home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple-a batteries, etc, etc. There I sat on my recliner, my dog looking on intently [trusting little soul] , reading the directions [that would be me, not the dog] and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup after all. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself from a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed pretty reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
>with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
>way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
>happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?)
>
>I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
>front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
>the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
>the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
>soaking wet,
>With my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
>was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
>face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself.
>You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
>hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
>won't dislodge one of the prongs ¼" deep in your thigh like yours
>truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
>as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had
>been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
>take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
>testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
>rather large. Miss 'em ......sure would like to get 'em back.


Reality..What a concept!