Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that congress will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It's hard to get more accurate than that.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol