To late for St. Patty's Day, so save this to next year, but can be used any time you need through out the year!

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
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Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
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Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
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Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer
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Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to the bar
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Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward

See above
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Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
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Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer
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Floor moving
You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar
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Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
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Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
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Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking
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Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him
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People are standing around urinals, talking

You're NOT in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)
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Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
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Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer
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Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
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You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
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Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves
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Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right

Play air guitar

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"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO