Has anyone seen Herman?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.




Best Law Enforcement:

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."



How to properly place new employees:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:


a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


Lawyer joke….

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the
other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."