Affairs:
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
"You're lying.
You've been playing golf!"
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The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about
having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed
to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
ugliest child he
had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, " Not this time!"
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The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't
allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be
saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it
home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his
wife, opening
his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
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The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I
liked it
so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for
two days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a thing."
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The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy
steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison
work."
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