These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the military
(i.e. what their commanders thought of their performance).


Military Performance Ratings_________

· His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
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· I would not breed from this Officer.
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· This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
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· When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
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· He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
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· He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
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· Technically sound, but socially impossible.
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· This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
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· This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
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· When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
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· This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
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· Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
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· She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
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· He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
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· This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.
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· In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
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· The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
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· Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
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· This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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· Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
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· Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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· Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
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· A room temperature IQ.
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· Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
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· A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
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· A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
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· A prime candidate for natural deselection.
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· Bright as Alaska in December.
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· One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
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· Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
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· Fell out of the family tree.
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· Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
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· Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
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· He's so dense, light bends around him.
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· If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
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· If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
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· If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
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· If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
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· It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
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· One neuron short of a synapse.
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· Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
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· Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
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· The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol