yer I know..bad taste..black humor


I was gonna post this on a differnat thread regarding crocs..but maybe more suitable here. True stories btw

"over heard when I lived in Fla...Woman is distraught when an aligator ate her poodle...over heard the cop saying " at least we get no more complaints about it barking all day"

A Buddy gets his foot blown off in action, awaiting medivac he asks the medic about his leg..medic replies " the good news is your now officially foot loose and fancy free" the casualty starts laughing and says "I should sue the bastards" the medic says" don't bother you haven't a leg to stand on". True story from the Falklands war...

My wife a nurse...had to deal with a guy who didn't make it from surgery, she told me she couldn't stop laughing when body tagging the guy. Apparantly he was a double amputee and no toes for the tag so had to use the next available digit!!!

A Welsh guardsmen was seriouly injured after an exocet attack, he asked the medic how bad it was and the medic told him he had a bad groin wound. The casualty replied it was a good job he had inches to spare.

Real dive stories

A novice member of our dive party was a typical easy target.

a. Boasting about his new dive computer (in those days these were a novelty) telling us how accurate it was etc..ie he had dived 11.7m. How about that for accurracy he said..until we pointed out it was November the 7th.

b. He decides to use a 15ltr steel tank as it will give him more air. He ignores our advise that if wearing a skin and using a steel tank..he won't need weight. So he puts on his 20lb belt and rolls off the rubber duck. We gave him a few mins before we went down to lift him off his back at 10m..even his jacket couldn't move him off the bottom.

c. He ignores advise about tucking in his guages and octopus before rolling off a rubber duck. Left him hanging upside down hooked up on the lanyard for a few mins as a lesson while we creased up laughing. At least he put his reg in his mouth..lol

d. Ice diving in Germany, spend 2 hours cutting a hole in the ice with axes... we are 4 instructors, all roped up and ready to go. The hole is a masterpiece, 6foot wide, we all jump..straight into thigh deep water. Its what happens when you cut a hole in the ice over the only sand bank in the lake.

e. Diving the An-An wreck off Jeddah, deco on the prow and see one of the dive boat crew spear fishing above us. We see a Tiger shark looking interested in the guys fish belt..luckily so does the crew man so he unhooks the belt and for what ever reason panics and seeing us sitting at 6m dives back down to us and hands the belt to my buddy who promptly hooked it back on to the guys trailing spear gun as he swam off as fast as possible. No damage..but the crew mans pants were messy...lol

f. Buddy collapses drunk on the beach on a remote desert coast..out cold. Along the beach comes a camel herd so a trail of bread buns is laid, the last one is placed on buddies groin. With cameras ready.. for some reason he awakens just in time to see a very pregnant camel about to munch on his nether regions. You have never seen a drunk move so fast.

g.Buddy decides he is gonna use his tent...he's nuts, it's 100% humidity, 130+F..he will cook. We collect a box of ghost crabs, throw em in the tent and tie the zip off with a tie wrap...last seen rolling down the beach in a tent screaming...:)

f....and finally...on the belizean mainland inthe 80's....rent a small boat from a local..load the bottles and gear, jump in...and sink about 50m later. Local has done a runner and to add to injury..we had to pay for the boat...it wasn't even the locals too rent..lol

If it wasn't for humor we'd all die of depression.