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Far be it from me to answer that one

IDIOT OF THE YEAR AWARDS

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!

HOME DEPOT WARNING



A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.




Here's how the scam works:




Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.





P.S. By the way...Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each. Went to Wal-Mart today and bought 10 of them. That was the most one could purchase at their sale price.

SNL_RobertDeNiro1.wmv (2437KB)
FUNNY!

Understanding Engineers: One

Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers: Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers: Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, " That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers: Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers: Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers: Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Things Got Ya' Down? Well, Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the war d to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaskawas $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric ke ttle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre's restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well', he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant." That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!'

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

I couldn't resist



A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. "After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Boudroux he been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run out of the night crawlers. He bout ready to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like de frog so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton maufed water moc'sin so Boudroux has to be real careful or he git bit. He snuk up behin' de snake and grabbed him 'roun de haid. Dat ol' snake he dindt lak dat one bit, I garontee. He squirmed an' wrapped hisself roun Boudroux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudroux, him he had a real good grip on his head, yeh. Well, Boudroux he pried his mouf open and got the frog and puts it is his bait can. Now Bouroux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bit him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pullls out a pint of of Loosiana moonshine likker. And he pours some drops into the snakes mouf. Well, dat snake his eyeballs rolls back in his haid and he body go limp. Wit dat, Boudroux he toss dat snake into the bayou den goes back to fish'n. A while later, Boudroux dun feel sumpin' tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly looks down and dere be dat water moc'sin wif two more frogs.