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Exercise Routine

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

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That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

This make you chuckle...........Enjoy



After having dug to a depth of 10 meters
Last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back
100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already
Had a telephone network more than
100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in
The weeks that followed,
California scientists dug to a depth of
20 meters, and shortly after,
headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
"California archaeologists have
found traces of 200 year old copper wire
And have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
Communications network
a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald",
A local newspaper in Saskatchewan
reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush
Fields near Moose Jaw, Ole
Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
That he found absolutely
nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300
Years ago, Saskatchewan had
already gone wireless."

>A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress. Two locals, MacKenzie and Donald sitting at the next table turned to look at her Kin ya swalla ? Asked MacKenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her head Kin ya breath? Asked MacDonald. The woman shook her head NO !!! With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent
spasm, that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
breath again. Mackenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep
swig of his beer. Donald said in admiration, "Ya know MacKenzie,
I'd heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre', but that's the
first time I ever seen somebody do it".

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.20But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'


Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his f---ing widow.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her arse, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

For those who slept through World History 101...here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood
actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the
meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth
of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers, and to more liberals...just to [#%!] them off.

Subject: FW: Repossession Notice from the Queen


You may, of course, already be aware of this unilateral decision ....




Britain is Repossessing the USA


A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Adie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector) will be with you shortly t o ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.



God save the Queen.

820,194 views to date..wow! To h-ll with Politics survey says a bad, fair or great story beats out everything else!

Birthday Reminder!



This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they