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Never Bring Plants Into The House..

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked into the living room to see
what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got
down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the
family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in,
wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor man..

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up
newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and
told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, she
dangled her hand in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling
around. She screamed and fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp so badly that he needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been
bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had
arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all when the
women explained that it all happened over a little green snake. The police
called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the startled family dog who, jumped out and
raced into the street where an oncoming car swerved to avoid the dog and
smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen
by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out
the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area. But they did get the house fire out.

Time passed and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police were issued a new car, and all was
right with their world. Several days later the wife and husband were
watching television and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants
for the night.

That's when he shot her

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it. ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think politicians come from.'








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Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

LIFE IN THE 1500's AD: How some sayings came about

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slippin g outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes st ew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been buryin g people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift..) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?' 'Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?' 'Oh, no,' said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, 'What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?' Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, 'Would you like a smoke?' 'Oh my goodness no,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?' Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, 'Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?' 'Sure, that would be nice,' she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Southern Belle lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the hell have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, 'I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?' The lady said, 'The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.' Have a great day!!

LOL Very good and so true. LOL ((wink))

She sounds like a Georgia gal to me

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
Shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,


And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
The right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes your breath smells like shit


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
And other times you fall in a bucket of shit
And come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language..

And remember, once you know your shit,
You don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
Or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
And hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit..
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
From some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN

Oh, and somedays you can't shit!
Always keep people in your life that charge your battery,
Not those who will drain it.

I always thought that was the most descriptive term of four letters!