AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Sounds like any good Suth'in Bell ta me Pug.

Thats gotta be George Carlin!!!

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, saw it was a little low, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by not going.



So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.



So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.



His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband.



After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had

passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.



'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I

got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker all evening.'



'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad

.... apparently he had the time of his life.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grab his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with our gardener."

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison!"

Top Mensa Pick Up Lines

"This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?"


"Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"


"Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"


"What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?"


"Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?"


"It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be overqualified."


"You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse."


"Vini, Vici, Va-va-va-voom!"


"You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night."


"That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."


"According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now."


"If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you hold it against me?"


"I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus."


"Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"


"By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me."


"Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."

Celibacy



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstance.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Jerry and his wife Marylin, listened to the instructor declare; "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Jerry leaned over, touched Marylin's arm gently and whispered, "'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"


And thus began Jerry's life of celibacy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,



'Shoite, Shoite !'



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'



Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'



'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.