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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.




It seems wise that I go to San Pedro and drink to check out this theory. I'll let you know how I do on my return.

Oh oh, make way for Bob

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask wha t
we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
Voice asked"What are you sellin' here?"One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old
timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left.."

Seniors - don't
mess with them!

MAKING A BABY



This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photo-grapher happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'



'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'



'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'



'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.



After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'



'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'



'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'



'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'



'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.



'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'



'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.



'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'



'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.



'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'



'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.



'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'



Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your uh...equipment?'



'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'



'Tripod?'



'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'



Mrs. Smith fainted

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Oy Vey and Hey Yall watch this!

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secre tary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of20the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain noccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin one?'