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TO ALL THE CRACKPOTS I KNOW!!!!

Chinese Proverb

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it
perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this
crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's
side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,
and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers
to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very
interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping.

After their tent was set up, both men slept.

Sometime later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said,

'Kemosabe, look towards sky. What you see?'

The Lone Ranger replied, 'Millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute, then said,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit.... someone stole our tent.'

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm very bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was very bored, not stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:Lufthansa (inGerman): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another
one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you notbeen to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference be tween C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally,the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind..
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium......
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.



Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"


The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"


To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go to see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."


She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with


the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple.


He says: "My wang is still purple!"


She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."


To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"


The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dicked toad!"

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with20a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist jots down his notes and leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

A lady friend of mine shared this letter written to a manufacturer of feminine products:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

HILARIOUS

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a BJ is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a BJ!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a BJ that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some p^$$*? / PT "

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would... If I had a p^$$*."