You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
It's rarely rocket science, it's usually just math: then again if you can't do the math.......
Let's talk some about this pervasive belief that being a total jerkoff is automatically hilarious because it's offensive and "un-PC" and other such nonsense.
The following things are not jokes:
Mean statements that don't make anybody think about anything other than how you're kind of an a**hole.
Stories you told that you thought would be okay to tell because you thought everyone in the room agreed with you already, only to find out that no, they didn't.
Stuff you didn't mean to say out loud.
Stuff you didn't mean to say where anybody would overhear you.
Stuff you said because you were pissed off at somebody else.
Stuff you said to shut somebody up or shame somebody into changing his or her behavior.
None of these things are jokes, so telling somebody pissed off by one of them that the answer is to learn to take a joke doesn't apply.
A Belizean and a Tourist are sitting side by side having breakfast in a beach side restaurant. The tourist looks over at the Belizeans plate and ask, 'What is that?'. The Belizean explains ,'In Belize we have many British influences in our culture and recipes, this is beef tongue, very delicious! The Tourist looked horrified and exclaimed ,'How disgusting imagine eating something that came out of an animals mouth'. The Belizean looked down at the tourist plate and ask,'What is that your eating?' The tourist smugly replied ,'An Egg!'
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