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Good rules to live by when in San Pedro,

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Belikin sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Belikin?" and the Belikin president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Ernie: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene and a bazooka!
Ernie: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

ha ha ha ha haa ha ha...ooooow,

Two Cows


Democrat:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money
to pay the tax.

The people you voted for then take the tax money,
buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Socialist:

You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Republican:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

Communist:

You have two cows. The government seizes both
and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.

Democracy, American Style:

You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.

Bureaucracy, American Style:

You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation:

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back
to yourself and do an IPO on the second one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk
of four cows. You are surprised when one cow
drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

French Corporation:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

Japanese Corporation:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation:

You have two cows. You engineer them so they
are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run
a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
per year.

Italian Corporation:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

Russian Corporation:

You have two cows. You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew
them up while they were in the hospital.

Polish Corporation:

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.

Florida Politics:

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best,
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell
you which is the best-looking one.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground,the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Learn something new every day

Like the cows!!!!!

Three fellows died on Christmas Eve....one from Oklahoma, one from Arkansas and the other, a tall gangly cowboy from Texas. They were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from Oklahoma fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said..

The one from Arkansas reached into his pocket, rummaged around, and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Texan started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The cowboy replied, "These are Carols."