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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner? Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Good grief, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

My husband was concerned about our daughters hearing when she was less than 5 years old. The doctor said go to the sink, turn on the faucet and with her behind you say (in a normal tone of voice) "Would you like some ice cream?" No hearing problem there.

azbob.....Love the hearing loss joke....So did Tom....Big laughs....thanks for posting.

The pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand
an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a
window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the
darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone
was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

How To Maintain A Healthy Level
Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...

1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2.
On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!
3.
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5.
Sing along at The Opera.
6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7.
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8.
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
9.
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite...
10.
Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"

Oh, to be eight again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you butt head'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

THE ULTIMATE FOOTBALL FAN

My friend Bill has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He
paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought
them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are
interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St.
John's Church, Chestnut Street Lockport, at 3pm. Her name is Melissa .
She's 5'7 about 140 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the
white dress.

he got a deal! that is the current going price on corner nosebleed seats. VIP style seats, if you can find them, are now around $9K. That will buy a s***load of Belikin!

just when you think the news cannot get stranger ......... a headline that Judy Garland was repeatedly molested by Munchkins.
(no I am not kidding)

The shortest college paper EVER!

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The short story had to contain the following three things
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

The only A+ short story in the entire class was:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?"