AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area mQQse's joke room...LIGHTEN OUP...post a joke

so..... jonney's teacher was drawing something on the blk board....
she turns to the class and askes " does anyone know what i just drew pon di blk board "
well.... jonney waves and shakes his arm like a palm inna wind storm....
the teacher sees jonney is excited .. and just might ...this time... have the annswer....
she says...to jonney ....
" ok jonney what was that i drew pon the blk board...."
and jonney eagerly seh....'
" teacher....thats a big penis"
and the teacher then asks jonney how he knows what it is....
and jonney says.....
"well...... my daddy has two of those....."...
the teacher says..
" explain that please jonney"...
so he tells her....
" my dad has a small one that he pee with ....
and a really big onne ....
that he
BRUSHES THE BABYSITTER'S TEETH WITH "

what did the blond get on her sat S.A.T.'s

''DROOL''

If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a building which one would land first?

The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask the "MQQSE" for directions.

I can not believe I'm telling blonde jokes, I just happen to be a blonde, that's a joke!

"Hot and Steamy" is not what you are thinking.....That's just Moose biscuits/dumplings all over this Boardroom floor.

Moose is a HOOT...

POLITILLI....MOOSE DONT HOOT...OWLS HOOT ... YU SHUD GET OUT MORE...INTO NATURE...NOT JUST YUR PIMPS PARKING LOT

wasssssoup ;;;;;
WHERES THE BIG BUCKS I WAS PROMISED FOR WAKING OUP THIS MESSAGE BBOARD WEB SITE.....
EH!???????
WHATS THE DEAL HERE....AH GATS NO CHEK FRAM MARTY...
AH GETS NO COLD HARD CASH FI COME IN DI MAIL[snail]]..
nuh evn buckey wah gats oats in deh

geeszzzzzz

GEESSZZZZZZZ...

NUH RESPEC
YAH THINK IT'S EASY PICKINS BEIN THIS FOOLISH...GET REAL ... IT TEK LONG PREPORATION [prep."H" ]....
LONG WALKS OF SOLITUDE ,IN THE CANADIAN TUNDRA[at the nudie bar]
IT YEK. HRS AN HRS [spit sec] TO COME OUP AWI DIS STUFF,,,,,

GESZZZZZZZZZ
OH AND BY THE WAY .... THE AUCTION IS GOIN NOWHERE...[last bid about a buck and 99---- ]

geeeeesszzzzzzz

Oh no!!!! LOL
We are in trouble now!

Canadian nudie bar? Shudder Shudder.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go
ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
Just as he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy
the other half." The manager ok'd the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that
around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into
the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
"Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....

"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the whole story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was in the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight. At the dinner table, mommy asks little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying
down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy
and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Some times you need to listen to the whole story

MR

LMAO.....good one!

Good ole Johnny

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
He's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced
limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball,
sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table,
whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up
his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first."

LOL!!!!!!!
Rick

Have you all read these books?

1. Trails in the sand by Peter Dragon
2. Brown spots on wall by Wo Flun Poo
3. Rusty bed springs by I. P. Nitely
4. Under the blechers by Seamore Butts
5. Long yellow river by I.P. Freely
6. Spots on wall by Wee Yakum Off
7. 50 yards to the outhouse by Willie Makeit
Illistrated by Betty Wont
8. Over population in China by Wee Fukum Yung

LOL Rick

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

lol MR

So, this man walks into a bar carrying a brown paper bag, He goes up to the bartender and say's " if I show you something totally amazing can I drink free for the rest of the night?
The bartender say's sure! So the mand reaches into the bag and pulls out this tiny baby grande piano, along with a tiny piano seat. Next he reaches in and pulls out this tiny little man and sets him on the piano seat. The tiny little man cracks his nuckles and starts playing classical music on this piano.
Well the bartender was amazed! So he asked "where did you find such a thing?" The man say's " well there was this lamp in the alley and I rubbed it and wished and this is what I got.
The bartender was excited. He gave the man a whole bottle of whiskey and told him to watch the bar, and headed out to the alley, where he found the old lamp and rubbed it furiously1 All the time saying "I wish for a million bucks, I wish for a million bucks!"
Well nothing happened, and after a while the bartender headed back to the bar.
When he reached the front door he realized that his bar was filled with all these DUCKS!!!
He made his way back to the counter with a puzzled look. When he reached the bar he told the man..."that lamp doesn't work, I wished for a millon BUCKS and I come back to my bar and It's filled with Ducks!"
The man at the bar said..."Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!!!"

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK, where are you from, jackass?"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the guys is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the fairway. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender says: "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy".

Paddy replies: "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shite," he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and
thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air
he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the
doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh
air feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls
flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors
down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the
door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says: "No
fockin'way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says: "I
can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says: "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to much to drink last
night?"

Paddy says: "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed But how'd you know?"

"Mick called." He said...."You left your wheelchair at the pub."

LOL!
Had we not just had visitors from England last week, I would not have known that "pissed" means "drunk".

Kathy

YU GATS FI GET OUTSIDE IN THE REAL WORL MI DEAR......

Forecast for the weekend---

Long periods of drizzle with occassional MQQSE shit in the air!! Wear a raincoat, high boots, and take an umbrella, it could get NASTY out there. :rolleyes:

FOK....IT'S GETTING NASTY NUFF IN YER

Hey -- quit the mQQse abuse!

yeah ....the mQQse can abuse isef

A second grade girl comes home from school one day and her mother asked her what she learned.
“We learned how we get babies,” the little girl replied, smiling.
Being a good mother, she said, “Oh, is that so? Well sit down here at the table and tell me how we get babies.”
The little girl said, “When the daddy comes home from work, the mommy takes him by the hand and leads him to the bedroom. She has him lay down on the bed and she unzips his pants and takes out his thingie. Then she puts it in her mouth and after a few minutes it kinda explodes and that's how we get babies.”
“Well dear,” said the mother. “That's not quiet right. That's how we get jewelry.”

scubalady

yu luv fish ...nuh tru..... how yu smell??????????

like jewlry......???????????

do we really need lawyers....DEB

"some times"

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other
things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of
these great cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were
lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused
to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the
cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won! In
delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance
company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated
nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling
and paid $15,000.00 to the man or his loss of the rare cigars
lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property
and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

AHHHHhhh...maybe "nnNOT"

RITE DEB?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

TOP STORIES FOR THE YEAR 2035

1. Fidel Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

A little woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, says, "Hello,
darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the
patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is
getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's
had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood
work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off
the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues
this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic,
darling!... That's wonderful news!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen tells me shit!"

MR

Why does MR get to say S$%& on camera and I get censored for calling MQQSE an A^^&OLE?
Hmm
Sounds like we got the captains back.

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.

The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?"

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir", said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, wtih a name like yours, said the agent.

Sir?

Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. that is not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I would love to represent you, but you will have to change your name.

Sir, the man protested. The Van Lesbian name was my fathers, my grandfathers and his father's name. We have carried the name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.

If you will not change your name, I cannot represent you, replied the agent.

Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change.

With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent's office, never to return.

FIVE YEARS LATER:

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. . .

He opened the envelope and removed the letter. AS he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk.
The check was for $50,000.00! He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become and actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying Penis Van Lesbian had been carried in my family for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and changed my name.

Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept the enclosed check with my humble thanks.

Very Sincerely yours,

DICK VAN DYKE

Supporting the Family

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being
interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you
are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked
the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I am."

"Well," said Maureen's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."

PierL said: Why does MR get to say S$%& on camera and I get censored for calling MQQSE an A^^&OLE?

Hey, I know Jack Shit....his wife...fulla shit...and some of his kids...dumb shit, little shit and shit for brains....that's why. hahahhaha

MR

HAHAHAH

EX-CELLENT

IT'S WHO YU KNOW IN THIS WORL.....AND A LEE BITTAH WHO YU BLOW

A Real Ball Buster
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Thanks Marty.

Teenah

you bet

The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a fat bank account.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to
have sex with you.

5. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THESE FOUR WOMEN NEVER MEET!

ahahahahah

Hey MR
I would bet good dinero that MQQSE is related to Jack, Fulla, Dumb and Little.
I got a pic in this confuser somewhere. I am gonna find that hairbag right now and post it.
BRB
Jim

The many fazes of mQQse !
Funny.

I'm waiting pIER..LOL
MR

Joke
OK! This lady gets married for the 5th time and has a confession with her new husband in the honeymoon suite.
She says,' Darling I have something very important to tell you'. The expectant groom looks attentive.
“I'm a virgin”, she says.
The groom looks puzzled. I thought you said this was your 5th marriage how could that be?
With a down cast sheepish expression she said, “ My first husband was a psychologist and he would just talk about it. My 2nd husband was a Gynecologist and he just liked to look at it. My 3rd was a proctologist and, we don't even want to go there.
The Groom lookup said,” Darlin you said I'm #5 what did your 4th husband do?
She gave a dreamy gleaming smile and said,' He was a stamp collector, and "God I miss him!”

stamp collector, hahahahahhohohohehehehe i like that one, i like the 4 women joke toooooooo
harmonica players as well as stamp collectors make good dates.
gay

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer.

Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed
more business. "The piano is over there. give it a go." The old man staggered
his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was
a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before.

When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you
call that?" he asked. "It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," .and he began to play again. What followed was a
knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play.

After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.

He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

How did you get your hands on my bio?

oops

A 737 is full of passengers on its way to Houston. A blonde woman in coach class gets up and goes over to the stewardess demanding to sit in First Class. The Stewardess tells her, "your ticket is coach class. Please go sit down in your seat". The Blonde says, "But I always sit in first class on my way to Houston". This keeps up for another 5 or times, the Blonde refuses to leave First Class. Then the stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the Captain. He says, "Hey, lemme handle this. My wife is blonde." He turns the controls over the co-pilot, gets up and goes back to First Class, whispers something into the Blonde's ear. She gets up and goes straight back to her seat in Coach. The stewardess says, "What on earth did you say to her?" He says "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston. But Coach Class is." :p

Great story. LOL

HEY----THATS LINDA'S JOKE

Dude who is Linda and where is her joke?

linda carter / dive master and great bartender at pier loubge
and her joke is 4 posts above

I must stop by the Pier Lounge next time I'm in the hood to say hello to Linda - it seems we share a good sense of humor. Being a blonde, I love blonde jokes!

BEING BLOND....YU MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE FINDING IT ..... ITS ON THE BEACH

BETWEEN MATA CHICA AND VICTORIA HOUSE

That's funny Moose! How long does it takes a Moose to eat road kill? Answer: It depends on how heavy the traffic is.

PULL OVER

Russian Pres.Putin called Pres.Bush (USA) with an EMERGENCY REQUEST; "Our largest condom factory has exploded, my people's favorite form of birth control, IT's a disaster!"

Pres. Bush replies: " I will do anything in my power to help".

Putin: " Please send 1 billion condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
...and please make them Red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"

Pres. Bush: "No Problem". With that he hangs up and calls the CEO of our US condom factory...

CEO: consider it done.
Pres: And make sure they are all Red in color, 10" long, 4" in diameter."

CEO: anything else?

Pres: Yeah, please print on each condom MADE IN THE USA (size small) :p

"On a Roll" Very funny.

TOO DAMN SMALL

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, How much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks the same thing happens again that the boy and lover end up in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy:" I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and play catch with the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than they cost. I'm taking you to church and your going to confess. They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you-------It is definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way
to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. Today I
finished 2 bags of potato chips, a cherry pie, a small box of chocolate
candy and strangled the living crap out of someone I didn't like. I feel
better already.

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."

there is no god----good maanin

MQQSE, What brings you to such a thoughtful conclusion? You sound so lonely.....If your offer had been accepted asap, by the right participant you would be saying: "There IS a God!"
RIGHT? so ya didn't get giggi???Just you wait!!
Some poor maiden will take pitty :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

screw religen..and get yur hearing chek'd

get real

Pobrecito!! No Hope? Maybe if you decorate those antlers?

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have
>many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of
>you
>who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we
>would like your assistance with:
>
>1) The next time you see someone (an adult) talking during the playing
>of the National anthem.....kick their ass.
>
>2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in
>protest...kick their ass. If you see this on television, as many of us
>have,
>you are simply required to have a deep burning suddenly arise inside of
>you....then go and kick their ass.
>
>3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
>amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
>quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very
>freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices
>these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while
>the
>Veteran kicks their ass.
>
>4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are. Wearing
>battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special
>Forces", and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay if you were
>still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt
>from this rule)
>
>5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand
>back.....a
>Marine will kick their ass.
>
>6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them "Do you
>fly a jet?". Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. A Marine will be
>called to kick your ass. (children are exempt)
>
>7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper....it
>was
>a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh and sooner or later, your ass will be
>kicked.
>
>8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet
>and
>pay homage to her and the military member or Veteran lucky enough to carry
>her. Your stupid funnel cake will forgive you if you stand for 5 minutes
>with your hand over your heart. You might as well be throwing the funnel
>cake at the flag if you don't stand.....of course, either will earn you a
>severe ass kicking.
>
>9) What Jane Fonda did about Vietnam makes her the enemy....hate her or
>else. (asses will be kicked)
>
>10) Don't try to discuss politics to a military member. We might vote as
>separate parties, but that doesn't mean we don't all bleed the same We are,
>simply put, Americans. Our military Chain of Command, to include our
>Commander in Chief...the President... (for those who didn't know) is all
>that we acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those
>big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. The
>military
>member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass
>already.)
>
>11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me....stop saying
>it!
>If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!
>
>12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists. So stop saying, "Let's go
>kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls
>are
>not standard issue in the military. That reminds me...if you see anyone
>calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know. So I can kick their
>ass.
>
>13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military,
>support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas
>that
>you enjoy with family and friends, there are thousands of troops overseas.
>
>Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day.
>Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

P. S. God is not a religion...there is only god. Religion is something fanatic control freaks cook up.

I know...its a bad, old joke, but check out my new avatar:)
----------------------------------------------
True Paradise
(Shipwreck joke)
A hurricane blew up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, he had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a row-boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the row-boat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman."I made the row-boat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." "But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the row-boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced: "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know....." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

WELL..... CUD HE.......???????

Da MQQSE acknowledges in person how smart he knows woman are..and who said he is not sensitive.

YAH WHAT muthah f%$$ah SEH AH NUH SENZTIV

[note no bad words....jejejej ]

hey, hey, hey, now watch it. i am a muthah.

Subject: Students and Teacher

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

i've actually done that trick awi a old gal fren....freaked her out...

Subject: learn chinese in 5 min
1) That's not right ... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ... Fa Kin Su Pah

OMG the secret is out!!!! moose is chinese. i now recognize the script!!!

HELLO! about time, lol

That's tough reading LOVED IT....thanks for sharing that one.

Mqqsephonetics

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

I loved it!! there we all go again following each other around like somebody Knows what is going on!! LOL